PITCH BLACK: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT™

                       By Rod Hilton


FADE IN:

EXT.  SOME PLANET

A SHIP crashes and all crew and passengers are lost except
for a SMALL, DIVERSE GROUP.

                       RADHA MITCHELL
            I am the highest ranking officer
            left on this ship.  I am a strong,
            independent, take-charge woman.
                 (bends down)
            Please notice my ample cleavage and
            tight pants.

VIN DIESEL escapes and everyone is scared.

                         JOHN MOORE
            I am black.  I am also an atheist.

He is KILLED immediately.

                         VIN DIESEL
            Flawless victory.

                       RADHA MITCHELL
            Why did you kill him?

                         VIN DIESEL

            I didn't.  Some weirdass creatures
            that live in darkness killed him.
                 (pause)
            As a matter of fact, I haven't
            killed anyone.  The most evil thing
            I've done is show that I have large
            muscles.
                 (pause)
            Come to think of it, I've been
            pretty nice.

                        COLE HAUSER
                 (shooting heroin)
            Yeah well we aren't falling for
            that shit.  You're still evil.

                       RADHA MITCHELL
            Hmm.  I just discovered something
            interesting. Every 22 years, there
            is complete darkness, which is
            exactly what all these alien things
            need in order to eat all of us.

                 RANDOM FACELESS CHARACTER
            How did these creatures survive for
            22 years if they need to feed on
            humans to live? What do they eat
            while underground and in caves and
            all that shit?

He is killed.

                       RADHA MITCHELL
            How terribly unfortunate for us to
            have crash landed exactly now, on
            the day before this darkness hits.
            And even stranger, for me to
            discover this about an hour before
            it happens, only enough time to get
            out to some power cells we need in
            order to get off this planet, but
            not enough time to get back before
            dark.

                       CLAUDIA BLACK
            Unfortunate? The odds of this
            happening are almost 200,000 to 1
            against.
                 (pause)
            And we aren't on some foreign
            desert planet, it looks like
            Arizona.

She is also killed.

                       RADHA MITCHELL
            Alright, now that all of the
            outrageous coincidences have been
            ignored, let's get these power cells
            back to the emergency ship.

Darkness hits.

                         VIN DIESEL
            Actually there's one more absurd
            coincidence. I can see in the dark.
            Thank God I'm here, eh?

VIN leads everyone back to the ship.  Everyone carries
lights on them to repel the CGI AlIENS.

                     LEWIS FITZ-GERALD
            WE SEEM TO BE SAFE, SO I WILL PANIC
            NOW FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON
            WHATSOEVER!!!!

He does so, destroying the lights being carried by the
CREW.

                 LEWIS FITZ-GERALD (cont'd)
            Wow, that was extremely stupid and
            random.

He is obliterated.  The CAST now must use flaming wine
bottles to light their way.

More people DIE.

                         VIN DIESEL
            I will go on to the ship and come
            back and rescue you.  For some
            reason, the creatures never attack
            me, even when I have absolutely no
            light on me.

He arrives at the ship.  He gets in and is about to take
off by himself, leaving the others behind.

                    VIN DIESEL (cont'd)
            I am quite evil.

RADHA is killed.

                    VIN DIESEL (cont'd)
            I'm not evil anymore.
                 (pause)
            It's a good thing I learned my
            lesson after it was completely too
            late.

They take off, but not before THE CHILD CHARACTER reveals
an ENTIRELY USELESS AND INANE PLOT TWIST.

END

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